day after the funeral

Yesterday was my mom's funeral/commemorative gathering. I didn't want it to be a structured service at all. My family paid for the use of a beautiful (but plainly decorated) room that has couches and chairs in it much like a living room. The day before the gathering, my godmother Mary Foskett and I went over to the funeral home to set up some of my mom's pictures and quilts and other things she had made. She was so artistic. Hopefully there will be pictures online of all these things in the next few days. My mom's cremated remains were in an urn on a table in the front, along with one of my favorite pictures of her - it is a profile of her face when she was about 33, and the sun on her cheek is beautiful. She looks so joyful. The picture was framed with a Helen Keller quote: "Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow." There were candles all around the room. Here is a link to some photos from that day: http://mullinax56.smugmug.com/gallery/8319107_vsJj9#544979576_RrEPH
For an hour or so people came and went and said hi to each other and cried and laughed. At 4, I asked people who wanted to share a memory or story about my mom to do so. I don't know what I expected, but the outpouring of love and care from people was staggering. I was overwhelmed several times by how much I was touched by the things people said. I realized that my mom was an important person to countless people. Even though there were chunks of my childhood that we didn't get along well, it has become clear to me that she was just an amazing woman. What I saw as her annoying, eccentric idiosyncrasies others viewed as rare gifts.
She was so generous. I'm so sorry that she felt alone at the end of her too short life. I wish she had felt able to reach out to those who loved her for support. I tried so hard to get close to her and help her see the light in the dark. I really believe that she had lately become ashamed of the person she was - a 52 year old Korean American who couldn't work because of two debilitating car accidents in one year. I know that regretting not doing things that I could have or would have or should have done is mostly a waste of time. But it helps me come to terms with how deeply I loved my mother. I still love her. My heart has broken with the pain I know she felt. I wish she had found a way to say goodbye to me and others she loved.
I just reread the last paragraph, and it sounds like she committed suicide. I have not yet accepted that. There are far too many questions in my and others' minds and too many mysterious circumstances surrounding her death. It is incredibly validating to me that my family and I are not the only ones who are bewildered at my mother's sudden death. The police have questions for me as does the medical examiner who interpreted my mom's autopsy. The one thing I do know for sure is that drowning was the cause of death. I just don't get it. I can't believe my mom had the physical strength or willpower to hold her head underwater and inhale water when her body reflexively seeks air.
On to better things - I am so thankful that I am loved. I know that losing one's mother or any family member is a life-shattering event. I don't know if I could get through it without the care and support I've received in the last week. Thank you.

I hope to post after my meeting with the police on Wednesday. Hopefully I'll have some answers then.