dreams

I've had several interesting and bizarre dreams since my mom died on May 15th. Some of them would probably be classified as nightmares, and I haven't had nightmares since I was a little kid. The first unusual dream I remember having after my mom died was one about a slaughterhouse where animals of all kinds were being brutally and mercilessly tortured. The dream I mentioned in an earlier post had two parts, both about my mother. First I dreamed that it was a week after my mom died, and that the job of performing an autopsy on her fell on me. It had to be performed so that we would know how she died. My mom's body had spent a week in less than ideal storage conditions, and it was decomposing. I cut her open with a knife straight down her torso. I was aware of a terrible smell and of feeling sick and dreading looking at what I was doing. Inside her was a blackish soupy mess of old, rotting blood. Sorry to be so gross - this dream was the most vivid one I can recall ever having. The rest of this first part of the dream concluded with me calling my dad to come look at her and help me clean her up. I don't think the autopsy revealed how she died.

The next thing I know, I'm driving in my car (in the second part of the dream) with my mom beside me in the passenger seat. It was after she died, but I can't say if it was before or after the autopsy. She looked normal, and it felt like she just appeared next to me in the car. I took notice of her and decided to ask her, straight up, if she killed herself. She said, "of course I did." My dream self wasn't surprised. I asked her how, and she told me she took a bunch of pills and then jumped into the lake where she was found. I don't think I asked her why she did that. I have gone over and over all the possible scenarios and reasons she died, and I have not been able to decide whether she died accidentally or committed suicide. The more I think on it, the more I feel that these dreams were my mind's way of trying to come to a decision so I can stop fixating on her death.

One of my Korean aunts keeps in good touch with me via email and this blog, and she told me that one of my other aunts asked someone about these dreams. He apparently immediately answered that "She (my mom) made me have the dream to cut my longing for her."

My aunt was reminded that in Korean culture, it is believed that a dead person does something bad to make her loved ones stop worrying about the circumstances of her death and to create a bit of distance between the dead and the ones who miss them. My aunt advised me to try to forget about the details of my mom's death because remaining sad or conflicted for so long isn't good for anyone, dead or alive.

I don't know what to think. I do find it odd that I have been continually stoic about my mom's death. The couple of weeks after she died were terrible for me, but since then, I have been mindfully resilient and rational (at least I think) about it. Perhaps this is because I was raised an only child and learned to be independent early on in my childhood. I often think about what it would be like to share the sadness of my mom's death with a sibling or two, and I think it would be harder than having to go through it alone. Of course, I'm not alone - I have family and friends with whom I talk about all these things. Also, I am always reminded of the inevitable parts of life and that it can be said that the only constant is change. I'm not sure I can will myself to forget about the awful circumstances surrounding my mom's death. I do know I can and have been thinking about her life a lot more than I did when she was alive.