Life goes on

I'm feeling much better about my mom after being able to talk to the police. I was able to have a meeting with the sgt. in charge of all the officers who worked on my mom's case. I met with him with my dad and my godmother Valorie in an interrogation room for almost an hour and a half. I was able to ask anything and everything. The police are hoping to see evidence of some physical event that happened to my mom when the full autopsy report is delivered in about two months. That means a blood clot, a stroke, a seizure, an overdose...

I still have not yet fully accepted that my mom could have committed suicide. I have all of her personal belongings (which comprise a startlingly small corner in my dad's basement) and have been slowly going through all the journals I can find. Some major themes are that she felt very alone and was depressed with the monotony of her invalid life. However, another thing she wrote about often was that she was thankful for many things. Her writing is pretty poignant and clear. She was proud of me and loved me very much. Her recent injuries brought us as close as we had ever been, though she was a hard person to get close with. I feel like I am somewhat invading my mom's privacy by reading all of her personal material, but it is giving me a lot of perspective on the past few years of her life.

Robert Frost said, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." I'm feeling like my life is continuing. Death is a part of life. I don't think it's the end of it. My mom's life is so imbued in me and the memories she left behind. I've decided to try to relearn Korean, using Rosetta Stone and some native Koreans I know in the states. I plan to go to Korea next summer with my dad to visit my family. I'm so thankful for the untimely reunion of family and friends that the death of my mother sparked.

Among other news, I'm playing ultimate frisbee this summer in Asheville, and I got a new car! Pictures of car: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=32777179&l=f39567e007&id=7205687
Pictures of ultimate: http://mullinax56.smugmug.com/gallery/8383005_JBgxC#550125284_wdp9b

Before my job training starts I'm going to be doing some babysitting here and there and hopefully enjoying the mountains. I love my new car. The color of it is called blackberry pearl, and I've been getting between 44 and 48 mpg!!! It's not a hybrid.

Thank you all for reading and for your thoughts and comments.

day after the funeral

Yesterday was my mom's funeral/commemorative gathering. I didn't want it to be a structured service at all. My family paid for the use of a beautiful (but plainly decorated) room that has couches and chairs in it much like a living room. The day before the gathering, my godmother Mary Foskett and I went over to the funeral home to set up some of my mom's pictures and quilts and other things she had made. She was so artistic. Hopefully there will be pictures online of all these things in the next few days. My mom's cremated remains were in an urn on a table in the front, along with one of my favorite pictures of her - it is a profile of her face when she was about 33, and the sun on her cheek is beautiful. She looks so joyful. The picture was framed with a Helen Keller quote: "Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow." There were candles all around the room. Here is a link to some photos from that day: http://mullinax56.smugmug.com/gallery/8319107_vsJj9#544979576_RrEPH
For an hour or so people came and went and said hi to each other and cried and laughed. At 4, I asked people who wanted to share a memory or story about my mom to do so. I don't know what I expected, but the outpouring of love and care from people was staggering. I was overwhelmed several times by how much I was touched by the things people said. I realized that my mom was an important person to countless people. Even though there were chunks of my childhood that we didn't get along well, it has become clear to me that she was just an amazing woman. What I saw as her annoying, eccentric idiosyncrasies others viewed as rare gifts.
She was so generous. I'm so sorry that she felt alone at the end of her too short life. I wish she had felt able to reach out to those who loved her for support. I tried so hard to get close to her and help her see the light in the dark. I really believe that she had lately become ashamed of the person she was - a 52 year old Korean American who couldn't work because of two debilitating car accidents in one year. I know that regretting not doing things that I could have or would have or should have done is mostly a waste of time. But it helps me come to terms with how deeply I loved my mother. I still love her. My heart has broken with the pain I know she felt. I wish she had found a way to say goodbye to me and others she loved.
I just reread the last paragraph, and it sounds like she committed suicide. I have not yet accepted that. There are far too many questions in my and others' minds and too many mysterious circumstances surrounding her death. It is incredibly validating to me that my family and I are not the only ones who are bewildered at my mother's sudden death. The police have questions for me as does the medical examiner who interpreted my mom's autopsy. The one thing I do know for sure is that drowning was the cause of death. I just don't get it. I can't believe my mom had the physical strength or willpower to hold her head underwater and inhale water when her body reflexively seeks air.
On to better things - I am so thankful that I am loved. I know that losing one's mother or any family member is a life-shattering event. I don't know if I could get through it without the care and support I've received in the last week. Thank you.

I hope to post after my meeting with the police on Wednesday. Hopefully I'll have some answers then.

Well, shit. My mother died on Friday, May 15th. Three days before my graduation from Wake Forest. I learned about it on Saturday morning when my dad arrived on campus early and said he had to talk to me. I brushed him off because I was busy scurrying around doing last minute errands on campus. He insisted, so eventually I met up with him on the quad in front of the post office. He told me that he had gotten a call that morning from the police, who told him that an early morning walker had spotted my mother's body in Beaver Lake. Beaver Lake is a fairly large, shallow, man-made lake in North Asheville. Of course the newspapers and media were all over it because everyone wants to know the circumstances of a body being found in a lake surrounded by upper middle class homes. God, it's so crazy. What a mad world this is I keep telling myself over and over.

I'm not sure how this will affect my plans for starting job training sometime in July. I know that this next year is going to be difficult. The past few days have been full of confusion, crying, and sadness. The medical examiner told me that he will probably conclude that my mother drowned herself intentionally, but there are several parts of the scenario that do not make sense. He told me that he is conflicted - this is not your typical suicide. I don't know what to believe. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that my mom is gone without any note or explanation to me. I know she was planning to come to my graduation and was very excited and proud of me. I just do not get it. I wish I could have talked to her before this happened. It had been about a week since I last spoke to her, and I know that my last words to her were that I loved her.

We are going to have a commemorative gathering on Saturday, May 23, from 3-5 pm at West Funeral Home in Weaverville. Everyone is welcome. I'm sorry my first post in this blog is a sad one.