It seems like whenever I find the time to post on my blog, I am mentally out of breath from all the things going on in my work and personal life. I have been very tired this past month. I set reminders in the form of calendar alarms to update my blog because I really want to be able to take time and reflect and record my thoughts, but when those reminders go off, I am simply too drained to devote time to writing. I'll be the first to admit that I have been working way too much. That doesn't mean I'm not finding joy and meaning in the things I'm doing, because I am, all the way! There's just so much to do with moving logistics and things not going as planned on the schedule I'd like.

Today I worked for 11 hours. I haven't worked an 8 hour day since August or September. I am really, really homesick and anxious to get back to the mountains. I feel like right now my life is consumed with my work (and I'm ok with that for the time being) and then recuperating so I can work more. Might as well take advantage of my youth and energy in this capacity...

I only have 1.5 days more of work this week before I can set my sights on going home to Asheville. I have an image in my mind of

just collapsing on the couch in my godfather's house and just not thinking about anything except the people I'm there to see. I will hopefully be able to take off a full week or perhaps more at Christmas. It's an interesting and dynamic challenge to come to terms with the fact that I don't know when I'll be back in NC for good.

I attended my first ever black tie affair, the Capital City Ball, on Saturday Night (www.capitalcityball.com). I wore a dress for the first time in at least 5 years, and heels (not high ones!) for the first time in my life. A lot of firsts. I had a great time. It was fascinating to be among some of DC's socialites. The whole evening benefited P Project as well as two other human rights/victim services organizations. I was extremely tempted to go up to one of the hundreds of plastic women and tuxedoed men and ask them what they actually know about human trafficking. I'm pretty certain at least 90% of them were there because this ball is just another party they can go to and be in "society." There were amazing hors d'ouvres and des

serts, and 4 different open bars! There was also a silent auction with some pretty amazing things in it. I had a good bit to drink and did a lot of dancing, some of which was with men old enough to be my grandfather! Oh well. What a night. Here's a picture from it:

I got the dress from J. Crew with a friend's employee discount. The necklace is black pearls and diamonds - fake ones - borrowed from a friend. I bought those earrings for this event from Ten Thousand Villages, a fair trade store that I really love. The two people to my left are fellows with P Project and are a lot of fun!

I wish my mom were here with me and could have helped me prepare for a night like that. I am going to be doing a mini fundraiser for P Project in my mom's memory. I'm going to be asking friends/family to donate what they wish to P Project in memory of Kyong Sook Min in lieu of any holiday gifts they were thinking of giving to me. Since P Project has become so very important to me and its mission is absolutely necessary, a gift to P Project is a gift to me. It's funny, I am not the least bit uncomfortable asking for donations to P Project. Since I work very closely with the development team, I can see firsthand how different revenue streams are and can be used. Individual donations are especially valuable to P Project because they are largely unrestricted - that is, they can be put to use where the need is greatest. The bulk of our funding comes from government and foundation grants, and this money can only be spent on very specific things. Anyway, if anyone who reads this is looking to contribute to a new cause or would like to give me this kind of indirect gift, please let me know.

I hope to be able to update my blog more often - but can't guarantee it!

I woke up this morning planning to go play ultimate frisbee if I could find somewhere to play on a Sunday morning. I remembered that once a few weeks ago a friend texted me some info about a good Sunday morning game. I got out my cell phone and searched through my texts. I didn't find his text, but I did find a text message I sent to my mom on May 10th of this year (five days before she died). It said,

"Happy mother's day! I love you!"

I haven't cried about my mom being gone in at least a month, but this unexpected finding made my eyes and nose smart. I remember where I was when I sent that text message. I was on Wake Forest University's campus walking through the Polo Road entrance. I had tried calling my mom earlier that week but hadn't gotten an answer, so decided to text her. I believe this was the last time I ever communicated with my mom, and it was a stupid text message.

I haven't found anywhere to play ultimate frisbee this morning.

So glad to have a 3-day weekend

It's been a rough week at work. Among the big projects I'm working on are planning the PP fall staff retreat, finding a new office space for our client services program, and planning the layout of our new headquarters office space. I have so many ideas, and it's hard to focus! I have to work on these projects on top of my normal daily tasks such as bill processing, reimbursements, HR, and tech support. PP was hit with a big blow this week - our senior financial officer has given less than two weeks notice of her resignation. I won't go into too much detail, but this may be one of the worst times of the year for her to resign. October is our biggest grant-reporting month, and people are scrambling as it is. It's a big mess. I think everyone has had time to process the reality of losing this person and her skills and now are getting organized trying to figure out if we can really do all the necessary work this month without her. It's going to be a crazy end of the year with grant reports, deadlines, and moving to the new office. AH.

update on bike accident

Update on my shoulder: I went to my chiropractor yesterday for my regular appointment and asked him to take a look at my shoulder and ribs. Since I was in a lot of pain in a very localized area on top of my shoulder, I was sent off for some xrays to rule out a fracture. There are no fractures, but my collarbone is a bit out of place because I apparently have torn/damaged the acromioclavicular and coracoclavicular ligaments that hold the collarbone in place.
The treatment for this is rest and ice and no biking or ultimate frisbee for a least a couple weeks. Sad.

The weeks are flying by

The last week has been wonderfully and satisfyingly busy. I haven't been biking or playing as much ultimate frisbee lately because of pain in my shoulder/neck/ribs from the accident I had. I'm going to the chiropractor today for one of my weekly visits and am going to ask him to check out my injuries. I'll post later on what the verdict is. Here are some random updates from various corners of my life:

-my cat, Mona, is attacking the other cat in my house with increasing frequency and ferocity
-I finally have a desk and chair set up in my room so I don't have to use my computer on my bed!
-I saw a great movie - "In Bruges," a drama about two hit men thrown together in Belgium and their relationship
-a Viennese professor I had while studying abroad in Austria came to DC, and Mick (my housemate and friend from college) and I had dinner with him last night. His name is Herb and he's a really fantastic and eccentric 73 year old.
-My office is officially moving locations, and I'm going to have to spearhead the logistics of it. It will definitely keep me busy for the next month and beyond.
-I have been checking out some farmer's markets on the weekends - they are so busy here.
-my dad is visiting (hooray!) in two weeks for his fall break! Or I might be going home.
-my godmother and her family are coming this weekend for a visit!

I'm doing well all things considered. I'm really enjoying my job, and have a pretty ok living situation. I hope all of you who read this are flourishing!

bike wreck!

I had my first bike wreck in DC this morning. In retrospect, I should have taken the bus. The roads were wet and I had a late night last night. There are a lot of crossing guards stationed near my house on weekday mornings and afternoons to facilitate pedestrian activity. They're usually cheerful and I say hi or smile to them. This morning one of them said hi and told me to "be careful on that machine!" Less than a half mile after I passed that crossing guard, another biker hit me. He was riding against traffic on the wrong side of the road, and came at me head-on. We crashed and slid some because the roads were a little slick. He got up immediately to move out of the road and helped me up. I think he was fine. I felt fine at first, just a little shaken from the shock and impact. I'm glad I was wearing my helmet (I always do!). My handlebars were thrown out of alignment, but that's easily fixable. The other rider offered to give me his phone number just in case there was any other damage to the bike/me that wasn't noticeable at first. I rode the rest of the way to work a little shaken and bleeding from my ankle and feeling soreness in my left shoulder. It turns out that I probably landed directly on top of my left shoulder. It is very painful now. I've been icing it with frozen peas!

I love my job. It's nothing like I expected. I was basically given a whole bunch of responsibility from day 1 (more like day 2 in actuality) and was given the reins to figure out how to bear it all. I have a lot of autonomy and feel very respected, despite being the youngest and lowest paid employee at P Project. When people ask me what I do at Polaris, I don't really know what to say. There is no box into which my job fits. I truly do a little bit of everything, but I see it as supporting all aspects of P Project in a variety of ways. This includes officially welcoming new employees, managing the fellowship program, HR, ordering supplies (so much fun!), helping to design our new office space, and more. I am doing everything I can to make our office more environmentally friendly. I've switched us to only recycled paper products, some of which are unbleached. I firmly encourage people to print double-sided or not to print at all, and to recycle religiously. It's so easy to leave a light or a computer on when you're not personally paying the power bill or seeing the effects of wasted power. I'm looking forward to moving to our new office. It will be nice to start on the same experience level as everyone else for once, and to be pretty much in charge of the new space.

I admire so many people at P Project, and have become friends with some of them. I cannot envision a job/place where I would fit in better. I feel very at home here, and I never dread coming into work. There is always something exciting going on, whether expected or not.

I've been playing a lot of ultimate frisbee lately, and have met lots of interesting people this way. One of them told me about contra dancing in the dc area. I love contra dancing! I went for the first time this past Sunday, and while it wasn't as good as Asheville's contra dance scene, it was still wonderfully fun and freeing. It was also pretty expensive...in Asheville it's very affordable.

I finished painting one of my rooms - I think I will wait to paint the second room until I feel more established in my house and decide if I want to live there more long-term. Right now, I have a six month lease that I'm one month into. It's looking like it will be all I can afford for the foreseeable future - and I haven't even started paying off my student loans! Yikes! That starts in January.

I miss my mom a lot. I wish she wasn't dead. There are times throughout each day that I imagine her presence with me and I imagine what she would say to me in certain situations or how she would act or look at me. I look in the mirror and see her more and more in my own face. I love her. Her face, her touch, her smell, her hands, her love for me. What an effing waste it is that she died.

i should update this blog more regularly!

But work gets in the way. I find that when I get home from work I just feel like hanging out with my cat or watching episodes of Mad Men online. However, being a structured hippie, the necessity of keeping up my blog eventually wears away at my laziness. On a side note, I was recently given the moniker, "structured hippie" by the executive director of P Project who is very type A and a republican! I'll take it.

I moved into my new rooms in my new house (that I share with two others) about 10 days ago. The house is in NW DC in a neighborhood called Petworth. This neighborhood is becoming increasingly gentrified by young people, such as myself, who cannot afford to live in more desirable parts of the district. Personally, I like it. I live in a 1930s rowhouse which is 2.7 miles away from work. I can park on the street without the threat of tickets or towing! I bike to work weather-permitting, which is a great start to my day and much quicker and more efficient than taking public transportation. It takes me about 20 minutes to bike to work. When I take the bus and/or metro, it takes at least 35-45 minutes.

Over Labor Day weekend, I went home to Asheville for the first time since my move to DC! The drive was long, but without a doubt worth it. I was able to see a big chunk of the most important and beloved people in my life. I'm always in awe of the beauty of the Blue Ridge Mountains whenever I have been away from them for more than a week. The weekend passed too quickly. I brought my cat, Simone De Beauvoir back to DC with me. It's going to be rough for my landlord's cat to get used to her!

After getting back to DC, I was very homesick for Asheville and my family. I still am. I think one day I will move back to the Asheville area. There are too many important people there for me, and the faster pace of DC life isn't sustainable long-term for me (though I am loving living here now!). Adding to my stress is an increased workload at work. There are lots of major events occurring this month that I am primarily in charge of planning and preparing for. I guess it's great experience...though quite nerve-wracking at times.

I wish I could talk to my mom one more time. I talked to my dad tonight and he zeroed in on a lot of what I have been thinking about lately with regard to my mom. She would be ecstatic with the path my life has taken in the last year. I wish she could see where I am and what I am doing. I think about her and the craziness surrounding her death every single day. I worry that my memories of her are romanticized. I can't forget that for a few years, our relationship was on the rocks. I am just so sorry she died when she did.

Block Island

I wrote this on the ferry on the way to Block Island, Rhode Island from New London, Connecticut.

I don’t know if it’s my 11th or 12th consecutive summer going to BI. At this point it doesn’t really matter – it’s a long-standing tradition that I hope never ends. My best friend (whose family’s house I go to on BI) and I often talk about hoping to be able to bring our kids to Block Island in the future! Some recurring themes of my history of going to BI: I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve taken an indoor shower on BI. Blackberries grow wild in many places throughout the island. Rebecca invariably braves the thorns to harvest enough to make a pie. Heated arguments over the dinner table, usually involving the use of the word, “lesbian.” Grilled swordfish with lemon. Grilled asparagus A plethora of beauty products from The Body Shop (Rebecca’s older sister works for TBS) Rebecca and I claimed the Pink Room to be ours when we're there together. It is so named because it was painted bright pink several years ago. It was decided that the color was a bit too much, so someone sponged white over the pink. It’s interesting. It's the only room that has its original early 90s paint job. We have the best conversations right before going to sleep. Rebecca’s various (and my) projects have included assembling a swing, making lamp shades out of bottle caps from Rwanda, talking about building a bed….

After that point, I think I started getting a bit queasy from staring at a screen on a boat! My weekend at Block Island was too short, to put it bluntly. I've been spoiled by too many carefree summers in the past where I've spent at least a week there. I've resolved to store up at least a week's vacation for next summer.

Here are some pictures of beautiful Block Island:

Today is my godsister Martha's 15th birthday. I just got off the phone with her and her brother Nathan (he turns 11 on the 20th). I really miss these two kids. They are as close to being my siblings as is possible for people unrelated to me. Their parents are my godparents and longtime friends of my parents. My dad and I have a longstanding ritual of Saturday morning breakfasts with them at the Black Mountain Bakery in Black Mountain, NC. They are why Asheville/Black Mountain is my home.

woooooo i love dc

So much has happened since I last posted here. The amount of love I have for my job and the people I work with has increased. I'm starting to feel home here in dc. A friend/colleague has an apartment on the top floor of the building across the street from my office that she is letting me live in for a month for free. I can see the Washington monument when I am sitting on the toilet. I wish I could afford a place like this. It's tiny, not even 500 sq ft and it's 1300 a month. Yeesh. I'm enjoying it while it lasts though. I just returned from biking around dc. I've started going out on my bike as soon as it starts feeling cooler and riding around until it gets dark. Sometimes I'll stop at a grocery store or a park. When I get home, I look at google maps to see where I've been.

I haven't completely moved out of Sophia and Gene Larkin's home. However, they do host several kids during the school year, and space will be tight. I might spend some weekends with them and certainly will visit with them lots. Their hospitality is mindblowing.

Leads on housing: I'm viewing two group houses this week. One seems especially promising, and a former PP employee lived there once. I can't wait until I have all my necessities in one place in dc. Right now I have belongings at work, Sophia's, the apartment across the street, and in Asheville. I feel that Asheville will be my home forever. I hope my dad never moves away from there. However, I am loving living here in dc. There's great ultimate frisbee, great people, great food, great civic conveniences, great resources...etc. And this city is so much smaller than I thought it was.

I have been increasingly stressed out as of late. I was feeling a bit displaced last week. On top of that, last Thursday night I went on a ridealong, which consists of riding in a PP van around dc from the hours of 12 midnight until about 4. I witnessed prostitution, potential labor trafficking, pimps, johns, and a very lonely part of dc life. I won't go into detail, but I'll say that Thursday night/Friday morning sobered me to some harsh realities of eaking out a life. I don't even know what I think about the whole mess right now. Tomorrow morning, I have a check in with some staff and some other people who were on the ridealong with me.

I haven't had any more dreams about my mom lately. It might be because I am just so tired after every day. I'm sorry to those of you I've been out of touch with lately. I really do think of my loved ones constantly, but cannot devote the time to call each and every one of you and give you the attention you all deserve. The coming weeks should be better.

looking for a home

I've started looking for a room or apartment. The number of scams I've come across on Craigslist and rent.com is amazing. Luckily, I'm being overly cautious and never give out any info that's too personal. Apartments and rooms are outrageously expensive here, rivaling NYC in price. I'll probably end up paying about 800 dollars a month for a room - not even my own apartment! AH!

dreams

I've had several interesting and bizarre dreams since my mom died on May 15th. Some of them would probably be classified as nightmares, and I haven't had nightmares since I was a little kid. The first unusual dream I remember having after my mom died was one about a slaughterhouse where animals of all kinds were being brutally and mercilessly tortured. The dream I mentioned in an earlier post had two parts, both about my mother. First I dreamed that it was a week after my mom died, and that the job of performing an autopsy on her fell on me. It had to be performed so that we would know how she died. My mom's body had spent a week in less than ideal storage conditions, and it was decomposing. I cut her open with a knife straight down her torso. I was aware of a terrible smell and of feeling sick and dreading looking at what I was doing. Inside her was a blackish soupy mess of old, rotting blood. Sorry to be so gross - this dream was the most vivid one I can recall ever having. The rest of this first part of the dream concluded with me calling my dad to come look at her and help me clean her up. I don't think the autopsy revealed how she died.

The next thing I know, I'm driving in my car (in the second part of the dream) with my mom beside me in the passenger seat. It was after she died, but I can't say if it was before or after the autopsy. She looked normal, and it felt like she just appeared next to me in the car. I took notice of her and decided to ask her, straight up, if she killed herself. She said, "of course I did." My dream self wasn't surprised. I asked her how, and she told me she took a bunch of pills and then jumped into the lake where she was found. I don't think I asked her why she did that. I have gone over and over all the possible scenarios and reasons she died, and I have not been able to decide whether she died accidentally or committed suicide. The more I think on it, the more I feel that these dreams were my mind's way of trying to come to a decision so I can stop fixating on her death.

One of my Korean aunts keeps in good touch with me via email and this blog, and she told me that one of my other aunts asked someone about these dreams. He apparently immediately answered that "She (my mom) made me have the dream to cut my longing for her."

My aunt was reminded that in Korean culture, it is believed that a dead person does something bad to make her loved ones stop worrying about the circumstances of her death and to create a bit of distance between the dead and the ones who miss them. My aunt advised me to try to forget about the details of my mom's death because remaining sad or conflicted for so long isn't good for anyone, dead or alive.

I don't know what to think. I do find it odd that I have been continually stoic about my mom's death. The couple of weeks after she died were terrible for me, but since then, I have been mindfully resilient and rational (at least I think) about it. Perhaps this is because I was raised an only child and learned to be independent early on in my childhood. I often think about what it would be like to share the sadness of my mom's death with a sibling or two, and I think it would be harder than having to go through it alone. Of course, I'm not alone - I have family and friends with whom I talk about all these things. Also, I am always reminded of the inevitable parts of life and that it can be said that the only constant is change. I'm not sure I can will myself to forget about the awful circumstances surrounding my mom's death. I do know I can and have been thinking about her life a lot more than I did when she was alive.

first week

I love my new job. My official title is operations associate. I'm being trained by the current operations associate - she is moving to the public outreach section of PP. I encourage you all to check out polarisproject.org and educate yourself and others about human trafficking. It is extremely energizing to be a part of this organization, cause, and office! Speaking of the office, we are located in a great 3 story house in the Adams Morgan section of DC. Soon we'll be moving closer to Dupont Circle into a larger 4 story house. It is simply beautiful, and as operations associate, I'm going to be planning and designing the new office space, ordering furniture, etc.

For the time being, I'm also responsible for a lot of bookkeeping. I don't really like this part, but hopefully will only have to do it for a few months because we are hiring a part-time bookkeeper to take on all of those duties. I think my favorite part of my job will be working with the fellowship program. PP (I'm using PP because if I use the actual words, this blog will be picked up as PP in the news/online by the public outreach office) has a competitive fellowship program. It arose out of the need for more bodies over which to spread responsibilities. We have fellows year round, split up into Spring, Summer, and Fall sessions. They are unpaid as of now, and the average number is about 10 per session. I'll be sorting through potential fellows' resumes, cover letters, and references and deciding whom to call in for an interview. Tomorrow I'll be conducting my first interview of a potential fellow (with Johanna).

Yesterday I had a meeting with the executive director, Mark. He told me what he'd like to see from me in terms of input. I'm going to have a good amount of flexibility in almost all aspects of my job. I've decided to take on the task of "greening" the office. It's fairly environmentally-friendly now, but there is lots of room for improvement. Since I'm in charge of ordering all office supplies, I'm only going to order 100% recycled and unbleached paper products. I'm also going to start a more organized recycling system (as of now, we don't recycle paper!). For the new office space, I'm going to try to make sure the new furniture is as "green" as possible, and will install several motion detecting light fixtures in bathrooms/hallways. I'm pumped.

I've come to realize that my vast wardrobe of jeans, shorts, flip flops, and t-shirts is now pretty obsolete. I have to dress up (business casual) to go to work. Since I'll be working year-round, my good old casual clothes will only be worn on the few vacations I'll have. I feel like I'm kind of leaving my childhood behind. But of course, that won't happen. I hope to always have my exuberance, curiosity, and blunt honesty that I attribute to my "childhood." I'll post soon about an incredible/horrible dream I had about my mom. I haven't posted in a while because I've been so tired - I don't get home until about 7pm, and have to leave at 7:30am. And I value my 8+ hours of sleep...

Today I practiced my commute. It involves a bus, the metro, and another bus. I could cut out the last bus if I happen to have time to walk a mile or so. The whole thing should take a little less than an hour. The buses here confuse me. I find that the stops aren't well-marked, and some of the buses don't have a way to tell you what stop you are at. Not very user-friendly, but it'll be a piece of cake once I get used to it. The metro is great. I'm looking forward to catching up on podcasts during my commute. It's like two hours of freetime for reading/listening everyday!

I explored Dupont Circle today, since that is the neighborhood Polaris Project is in. It's a great area full of shops and restaurants, wide avenues, and nice green spaces. I realized DC isn't as big as I thought after looking at maps all day. It is confusing to get around though...

I'm looking forward to starting work tomorrow. I start at 10 am tomorrow, but most days at 9. I'm not sure how late I'll work each day, but I've heard sometimes it's as late as 7 or 8 pm. Oh well. I might as well take advantage of my energy while I have it.

Here I am

I arrived in McLean, VA yesterday around lunchtime. The drive from Asheville takes about 7 hours. McLean is about 6 miles from DC. I have hit the ground running it seems. As soon as I got here, I found out that I was going out to lunch with the founder of Polaris Project and a few others from Polaris. I was kind of road weary, but off I went. After lunch and a random piano concert performed by some child prodigy at a Catholic church in Georgetown, we finally went back to McLean. I went to my room, feeling quite overwhelmed. I'm a little homesick already. I keep telling myself that home will always be there, and that I won't be away forever. My dad is also visiting in about two weeks. I fell asleep last night around 8. Ha.

I got up early this morning to find Gene and Sophia (the people with whom I'm living for the time being) already up and about to go on a walk. I joined them, and we walked four miles along the Potomac River and the Chesapeake and Ohio Canal. It was lovely - a cool morning and gorgeous scenery. I couldn't believe I was in a metropolis. It turns out that the walkway (toepath) was designed by Frederick Law Olmstead, the landscape architect who designed Central Park in NYC. It was great. Getting outside did wonders for my mood, and I'm feeling optimistic about my time here in DC!

Here is a link to some pictures of where I went walking this morning. And another.

Tomorrow I will do a dry run of getting to work via the bus and metro. I don't want to get lost on my first day!

I GOT IT!

The job at Polaris Project, that is! I finally got a call last night (I was getting anxious) from Mark Lagon, the executive director/ceo of Polaris Project and he offered me the job! He's kind of a big deal come to find out: http://www.polarisproject.org/content/view/108/

Former senior advisor to the secretary of state?? Good grief. He was one of the people who interviewed me three weeks ago. It's interesting to meet "normal" people and then find out that they're not so normal.

Mark discussed salary with me - I've never had to negotiate salary before. It sounded like they really shifted things around to be able to hire me, and as a result, the salary won't be as high as I'd initially hoped. However, it is still almost ten thousand more than PIRG was offering!

Mark then asked me when I could start, and I told him I've basically been ready to move anywhere for a few weeks now. I told him that I could start in a week at the earliest, and he jumped on that! I'll be starting Monday, July 13th. Crazy, I know. I'll be staying with good friends in the DC area for the time being, but I hope to be able to find an apartment so I can bring my cat, Simone de Beauvoir, with me.

I'm pretty astounded at my luck as of late. In this sorry economy (I hear it's looking up?) I get two job offers straight out of college? Maybe it's my mom messing with the stars!

Chundojae

It has been 49 days since my mother died. As I type, in Korea, my family is performing a Chundojae ceremony. It is a ritual that has roots in Buddhism, Taoism, and Confucianism, and is performed on the 49th day after death. I'm no expert on it, but from what one of my emos (mother's sisters) tells me, it is to pray for the well-being of my mother's soul. Death isn't seen as the end of life, but as the beginning of a the next stage of life; a rebirth into the spiritual realm. For 49 days after death, one's soul wanders between life and death, especially in the case of people who died unexpectedly or suddenly. There are 7 cycles of 7 days of judgment for the soul. After these 49 days, the soul may be reborn into another body.

I found this online: "Jae is a term used by Korean Buddhists to mean prayers for the dead. In line with their belief in transmigration of souls, they hold a special prayer service on the 49th day, counting from the day a person dies, for the deceased to be born again as a good human being."
Also: "Rye Jei-dong, a religious studies scholar, observed that although 49 jae comes from the Buddhist tradition, many Koreans do not know its exact meaning and offer a memorial service on the 49th day regardless of their religion. As Korea has been a Buddhist country for centuries, many Buddhist ceremonies have now become traditional culture, he maintains. "Even Christians, including Catholics, cannot easily avoid popular services in Korean culture."

One of my Korean aunts has been in close contact with me ever since my mom died, and every so often she sends me some little nuggets of Korean culture via email. An explanation of the Chundojae was one of them. She and the rest of my Korean family will hold a 2.5 hour ceremony for my mother's soul and pray that her soul finds peace in its future existence. Since I don't know much about Korean culture (something I'm trying to improve upon), my aunt suggested that my dad and I simply pray for my mom and think fond thoughts of her life while the Chundojae ceremony is going on in Korea at the Gongrimsa temple. This is a temple my mom and I visited when we went to Korea in December of 2008. It is in the mountains and is very beautiful. Here are some pictures of it from my visit last year:


During the specified time of Chundojae, I reflected on my mom's life. I know her life was mostly full of love and joy, and I have no unresolved tensions in my mind about her. I was thinking to myself that she made lots of mistakes in her life recently, but acknowledged and learned from them. She wasn't perfect, and I think her imperfections made her unique. I believe we're all in the same boat to put it bluntly. We are all here on this earth right now dealing with whatever personal struggles we have at any given moment. When we die, there is a sort of leveling of the playing field. Life is flawed. Mistakes are a given. In the end (which is not really the end), I think the most people can hope for is that they did the right thing at the right time with regard to their current life situation.
I've been doing some babysitting this summer for a lovely little girl named Lena. She has a book called "The Three Questions," and it is based on one of Leo Tolstoy's stories. In it, a boy wonders three things: What is the best time to do each thing? Who are the most important people to work with? What is the most important thing to do at all times? By the end of the book and after much searching, the boy learns that "there is only one important time - Now. The present is the only time over which we have power. The most important person is always the person with whom you are, who is right before you, for who knows if you will have dealings with any other person in the future. The most important pursuit is making that person, the one standing at your side, happy, for that alone is the pursuit of life." I like that. Of course it always seems much more complicated, but as I often tell people, two of the most important lessons I've learned in the last four years are to slow down and to keep my life and its events in perspective with the rest of the world. Yeah, easier said than done.

A few days ago I thought it would be nice if my mom were reborn as a cat. If you know me, then you know I have a very soft spot in my heart for cats. Then I could love and care for her and she would be with me. However, I am most looking forward to seeing her face and experiencing her presence and spirit in any children I might have. She was always so excited to meet her future grandchildren.

It's crazy that my mom is gone. I try not to dwell on the awful circumstances under which she died and I found out about her death. I'm looking forward, and my mom's right here.

it's been a little while

Since the last post, I've been to a job interview in Washington, D.C. and to Porter, Maine. There are no negative things to say about either of them! My job interview went better than I expected. I left the morning of the interview and got there with barely 10 minutes to spare. I had wanted at least 30 so I could collect and prepare myself. I found out the hard way that googlemaps gets confused by metropolitan DC. I got to Polaris Project's office and waited for my interviewer. I was a bit flustered and road-weary, but got more comfortable after the interview started. I think it went so well because I genuinely want to work for this organization. I am not just trying to get any old job, and I told my interviewers that. I interviewed for a position that isn't even open yet; but they are expecting a couple of promotions and switches in the next month, so it is highly likely that this position will open up. After the interview, I was given a tour of their four story office. I really like the space - it is a converted town home near Dupont Circle. Everyone seemed really nice and fairly laid back. I realized after the interview that in my rush to get to the office on time, I had forgotten to change out of my flip flop sandals and into some nicer shoes! Oh well. 

I left the Polaris Project office in high spirits, with the promise of being notified within two weeks about the position. I spent 3 nights with some very good family friends who live in McLean, Virginia. They were so good to me, and I really felt at home with them. I ate so much good Korean food! There was also a teeny tiny dog there - I think it was a toy poodle. 

My good friend Norah from high school met me in McLean, and we hit the road in my car. It took 12 hours to get to Maine because of rush hour traffic in NY/NJ. Norah successfully learned to drive my stick shift car on the way, and very impressively navigated stop and go traffic. We arrived in the small town of Porter, Maine late that night. Porter is in the southwest corner of Maine, and is about 45 minutes' drive west of Portland. Maine is somewhere I have always wanted to go, and the small taste I had this past week made me want to get back there asap. Norah, our friend Jesse who lives in Maine and at whose house we stayed, and I get along really well. We are all no-drama folks, and I really enjoyed the time we spent together. Good friends are so valuable. I often think to myself that I don't make friends, I simply enlarge my family. Cheesy I guess. 

My four day stint in Maine was filled with beautiful mountains, greenery, hiking, cool antique stores (I got a new wallet!), and yummy seafood. We went into Portland twice and tried some great Maine brews (Gritty's) and heard some awesome live music. Pictures here.

The short stay really just made me want to go back to Maine soon. Norah drove the whole way back to McLean, where she left her car. I was too tired to drive all the way back to Asheville, so spent one more night in McLean at my friends' home. I got up early the next morning to go home and babysit! The first day I was back in Asheville, I got a call from the friends I stayed with in McLean who told me they had heard from a very reliable source at Polaris Project that I was probably going to be hired!!! I won't know for sure until they call me with an offer, but things look and feel good! 

Right now I'm getting ready to spend a week or so at Kure Beach in NC with my cousins, uncle, aunt, and dad. Should be a fun time. And I should hear for sure about the Polaris job while I'm at the beach! 

The urn is finished!

And it's a beauty!
Pictures of the urn

I chose the shape, colors, and design of it, and Tom Turner, a local potter, made it. He specializes in urns and vessels of this sort. Here is a link to his website if you're interested in seeing more of his work: http://tomturnerporcelain.com/

Some of my mom's ashes are fired into the bottom of the urn (see pics), so she will always be a part of it. I think I will put the remaining ashes into it and maybe glue the top on. I haven't yet decided. I do know that my mom's ashes will come with me wherever I end up this summer.

Speaking of ending up places, I now know from USPIRG that in all likelihood, I won't be placed within a day's drive home. Not sure how I feel about that. I'll know more when I go for training and can talk to a real live person.

I also have a job interview on Tuesday with the Polaris Project - http://polarisproject.org/
I'm actually not certain it's a job interview, but it is an interview. I haven't submitted a resume or formal application yet, but have been told they may have a position opening up this summer that I would qualify for. I sort of know the woman who founded Polaris Project, and am pretty familiar with what they do. AND I'd love to work there. I'd be in Washington, D.C.!! (I think they would also pay about 35% more than US PIRG, too!). I don't want to get my hopes up, but it's hard not to be excited. I'll travel to DC on Monday and stay for a few days. After the interview, I'm headed on an impromptu road trip up to Maine with a friend from high school. I've never been to Maine, and it's one of those places in the US that I've always wanted to go. I'll spend three or four days there, then head home!

Graduation Celebration

Pictures

I'm not sure how my godmother Mary found the contact info for so many of my friends. I've gotten a few emails from people who don't even live in this country telling me they wish they could've been there.

It was pretty wonderful. There were professors that I've had, a random smattering of WFU friends, a dean of the college, and my godmother's family. There was a big cake with my name on it, and the whole thing made me feel super loved. I heard that the president of my school would have been there if he had not been out of town. The party was really a recreation of the festivities surrounding commencement at Wake Forest, and I'm so blessed to be loved and supported by so many awesome people.

After the party, my dad, Scott (my godmother's husband), Daniel (my godbrother), and I walked around campus and took some cheesy graduation pictures. I'm sure one day I'll be glad I have them.

The Uses of Sorrow by Mary Oliver
(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.


Man, I love that Mary Oliver. I recommend her highly.

The shock of my mom's death is dissipating somewhat. Grief is an odd bird. Lately I find myself being struck by moments of remembrance of being with my mom. Every now and then I forget that she isn't here anymore and I feel pretty weird. Even though I know she isn't here, I still can't quite wrap my mind around her physical absence. Remnants of her life are here, but I feel like she's missing.

I miss:
watching travel documentaries and snuggling against her side gently so as not to hurt her injured shoulder
her dreams of traveling all over the world
hugging her 5'0 frame and feeling tall!
seeing her cry from laughing so hard
her telling me how excited she is to one day have grandchildren and to provide free childcare!
her wonderful healing touch
a most radiant smile
her intellectual brilliance - I have been appalled at the breadth of her knowledge and expertise many, many times


I've gotten countless sympathy cards over the last few weeks. They have been wonderfully comforting. Everyone has a different way of expressing their sympathy. It's interesting that I am comforted by knowing people are praying for me and thinking of me when I do little praying myself. Some cards and letters tell me to take comfort in the fact that my mom is in heaven right now. I don't think that's where she is, and that doesn't really comfort me. I don't even know if she believed in heaven. I find such sayings as, "it was her time" or "she's with God now" to be shallow and trite. I understand that those things are comforting to lots of people, but I am not concerned about her being in heaven or hell. What I am concerned with is her life, not her death. Yes, she is dead and may or may not be in a heaven/hell that may or may not exist (yes, I guess I am agnostic). It never occurred to me that my mother IS somewhere. Physically speaking, she currently resides in an urn at the studio of a potter in Mars Hill, North Carolina. However, the philosophy major in me has to bring up questions of self-identity. Are we our minds, our bodies, our souls? Some combination? Or just one?

What does it mean when people tell me that my mom will always be with me? This statement is innately troubling to me, because I will feel her absence in place of her presence. I suppose that is a way of her being with me, reminding me that she was here once and would have wanted to be with me as I move on with my life.

I've realized lately that life is full of impermanence. I'm reminded of yet another poem (funny, I hated poetry all through school until just a couple years ago), this one by Robert Frost - "Nothing Gold Can Stay." I'm also reminded that in the grander scheme of things, we humans are a teensy blip in the history of the universe, and that we, too, will one day be gone.

I am about to go to my first and maybe only session of grief counseling with my dad. I'm pretty surrounded by counselor-type people in my life here in Asheville that I think I've been able to talk about a whole lot that's been on my mind lately. Writing this blog has been amazingly cathartic for me as well. I'll post again soon about the amazing graduation celebration that was put on for me yesterday!

Life goes on

I'm feeling much better about my mom after being able to talk to the police. I was able to have a meeting with the sgt. in charge of all the officers who worked on my mom's case. I met with him with my dad and my godmother Valorie in an interrogation room for almost an hour and a half. I was able to ask anything and everything. The police are hoping to see evidence of some physical event that happened to my mom when the full autopsy report is delivered in about two months. That means a blood clot, a stroke, a seizure, an overdose...

I still have not yet fully accepted that my mom could have committed suicide. I have all of her personal belongings (which comprise a startlingly small corner in my dad's basement) and have been slowly going through all the journals I can find. Some major themes are that she felt very alone and was depressed with the monotony of her invalid life. However, another thing she wrote about often was that she was thankful for many things. Her writing is pretty poignant and clear. She was proud of me and loved me very much. Her recent injuries brought us as close as we had ever been, though she was a hard person to get close with. I feel like I am somewhat invading my mom's privacy by reading all of her personal material, but it is giving me a lot of perspective on the past few years of her life.

Robert Frost said, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." I'm feeling like my life is continuing. Death is a part of life. I don't think it's the end of it. My mom's life is so imbued in me and the memories she left behind. I've decided to try to relearn Korean, using Rosetta Stone and some native Koreans I know in the states. I plan to go to Korea next summer with my dad to visit my family. I'm so thankful for the untimely reunion of family and friends that the death of my mother sparked.

Among other news, I'm playing ultimate frisbee this summer in Asheville, and I got a new car! Pictures of car: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=32777179&l=f39567e007&id=7205687
Pictures of ultimate: http://mullinax56.smugmug.com/gallery/8383005_JBgxC#550125284_wdp9b

Before my job training starts I'm going to be doing some babysitting here and there and hopefully enjoying the mountains. I love my new car. The color of it is called blackberry pearl, and I've been getting between 44 and 48 mpg!!! It's not a hybrid.

Thank you all for reading and for your thoughts and comments.

day after the funeral

Yesterday was my mom's funeral/commemorative gathering. I didn't want it to be a structured service at all. My family paid for the use of a beautiful (but plainly decorated) room that has couches and chairs in it much like a living room. The day before the gathering, my godmother Mary Foskett and I went over to the funeral home to set up some of my mom's pictures and quilts and other things she had made. She was so artistic. Hopefully there will be pictures online of all these things in the next few days. My mom's cremated remains were in an urn on a table in the front, along with one of my favorite pictures of her - it is a profile of her face when she was about 33, and the sun on her cheek is beautiful. She looks so joyful. The picture was framed with a Helen Keller quote: "Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow." There were candles all around the room. Here is a link to some photos from that day: http://mullinax56.smugmug.com/gallery/8319107_vsJj9#544979576_RrEPH
For an hour or so people came and went and said hi to each other and cried and laughed. At 4, I asked people who wanted to share a memory or story about my mom to do so. I don't know what I expected, but the outpouring of love and care from people was staggering. I was overwhelmed several times by how much I was touched by the things people said. I realized that my mom was an important person to countless people. Even though there were chunks of my childhood that we didn't get along well, it has become clear to me that she was just an amazing woman. What I saw as her annoying, eccentric idiosyncrasies others viewed as rare gifts.
She was so generous. I'm so sorry that she felt alone at the end of her too short life. I wish she had felt able to reach out to those who loved her for support. I tried so hard to get close to her and help her see the light in the dark. I really believe that she had lately become ashamed of the person she was - a 52 year old Korean American who couldn't work because of two debilitating car accidents in one year. I know that regretting not doing things that I could have or would have or should have done is mostly a waste of time. But it helps me come to terms with how deeply I loved my mother. I still love her. My heart has broken with the pain I know she felt. I wish she had found a way to say goodbye to me and others she loved.
I just reread the last paragraph, and it sounds like she committed suicide. I have not yet accepted that. There are far too many questions in my and others' minds and too many mysterious circumstances surrounding her death. It is incredibly validating to me that my family and I are not the only ones who are bewildered at my mother's sudden death. The police have questions for me as does the medical examiner who interpreted my mom's autopsy. The one thing I do know for sure is that drowning was the cause of death. I just don't get it. I can't believe my mom had the physical strength or willpower to hold her head underwater and inhale water when her body reflexively seeks air.
On to better things - I am so thankful that I am loved. I know that losing one's mother or any family member is a life-shattering event. I don't know if I could get through it without the care and support I've received in the last week. Thank you.

I hope to post after my meeting with the police on Wednesday. Hopefully I'll have some answers then.

Well, shit. My mother died on Friday, May 15th. Three days before my graduation from Wake Forest. I learned about it on Saturday morning when my dad arrived on campus early and said he had to talk to me. I brushed him off because I was busy scurrying around doing last minute errands on campus. He insisted, so eventually I met up with him on the quad in front of the post office. He told me that he had gotten a call that morning from the police, who told him that an early morning walker had spotted my mother's body in Beaver Lake. Beaver Lake is a fairly large, shallow, man-made lake in North Asheville. Of course the newspapers and media were all over it because everyone wants to know the circumstances of a body being found in a lake surrounded by upper middle class homes. God, it's so crazy. What a mad world this is I keep telling myself over and over.

I'm not sure how this will affect my plans for starting job training sometime in July. I know that this next year is going to be difficult. The past few days have been full of confusion, crying, and sadness. The medical examiner told me that he will probably conclude that my mother drowned herself intentionally, but there are several parts of the scenario that do not make sense. He told me that he is conflicted - this is not your typical suicide. I don't know what to believe. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that my mom is gone without any note or explanation to me. I know she was planning to come to my graduation and was very excited and proud of me. I just do not get it. I wish I could have talked to her before this happened. It had been about a week since I last spoke to her, and I know that my last words to her were that I loved her.

We are going to have a commemorative gathering on Saturday, May 23, from 3-5 pm at West Funeral Home in Weaverville. Everyone is welcome. I'm sorry my first post in this blog is a sad one.