dreams

I've had several interesting and bizarre dreams since my mom died on May 15th. Some of them would probably be classified as nightmares, and I haven't had nightmares since I was a little kid. The first unusual dream I remember having after my mom died was one about a slaughterhouse where animals of all kinds were being brutally and mercilessly tortured. The dream I mentioned in an earlier post had two parts, both about my mother. First I dreamed that it was a week after my mom died, and that the job of performing an autopsy on her fell on me. It had to be performed so that we would know how she died. My mom's body had spent a week in less than ideal storage conditions, and it was decomposing. I cut her open with a knife straight down her torso. I was aware of a terrible smell and of feeling sick and dreading looking at what I was doing. Inside her was a blackish soupy mess of old, rotting blood. Sorry to be so gross - this dream was the most vivid one I can recall ever having. The rest of this first part of the dream concluded with me calling my dad to come look at her and help me clean her up. I don't think the autopsy revealed how she died.

The next thing I know, I'm driving in my car (in the second part of the dream) with my mom beside me in the passenger seat. It was after she died, but I can't say if it was before or after the autopsy. She looked normal, and it felt like she just appeared next to me in the car. I took notice of her and decided to ask her, straight up, if she killed herself. She said, "of course I did." My dream self wasn't surprised. I asked her how, and she told me she took a bunch of pills and then jumped into the lake where she was found. I don't think I asked her why she did that. I have gone over and over all the possible scenarios and reasons she died, and I have not been able to decide whether she died accidentally or committed suicide. The more I think on it, the more I feel that these dreams were my mind's way of trying to come to a decision so I can stop fixating on her death.

One of my Korean aunts keeps in good touch with me via email and this blog, and she told me that one of my other aunts asked someone about these dreams. He apparently immediately answered that "She (my mom) made me have the dream to cut my longing for her."

My aunt was reminded that in Korean culture, it is believed that a dead person does something bad to make her loved ones stop worrying about the circumstances of her death and to create a bit of distance between the dead and the ones who miss them. My aunt advised me to try to forget about the details of my mom's death because remaining sad or conflicted for so long isn't good for anyone, dead or alive.

I don't know what to think. I do find it odd that I have been continually stoic about my mom's death. The couple of weeks after she died were terrible for me, but since then, I have been mindfully resilient and rational (at least I think) about it. Perhaps this is because I was raised an only child and learned to be independent early on in my childhood. I often think about what it would be like to share the sadness of my mom's death with a sibling or two, and I think it would be harder than having to go through it alone. Of course, I'm not alone - I have family and friends with whom I talk about all these things. Also, I am always reminded of the inevitable parts of life and that it can be said that the only constant is change. I'm not sure I can will myself to forget about the awful circumstances surrounding my mom's death. I do know I can and have been thinking about her life a lot more than I did when she was alive.

first week

I love my new job. My official title is operations associate. I'm being trained by the current operations associate - she is moving to the public outreach section of PP. I encourage you all to check out polarisproject.org and educate yourself and others about human trafficking. It is extremely energizing to be a part of this organization, cause, and office! Speaking of the office, we are located in a great 3 story house in the Adams Morgan section of DC. Soon we'll be moving closer to Dupont Circle into a larger 4 story house. It is simply beautiful, and as operations associate, I'm going to be planning and designing the new office space, ordering furniture, etc.

For the time being, I'm also responsible for a lot of bookkeeping. I don't really like this part, but hopefully will only have to do it for a few months because we are hiring a part-time bookkeeper to take on all of those duties. I think my favorite part of my job will be working with the fellowship program. PP (I'm using PP because if I use the actual words, this blog will be picked up as PP in the news/online by the public outreach office) has a competitive fellowship program. It arose out of the need for more bodies over which to spread responsibilities. We have fellows year round, split up into Spring, Summer, and Fall sessions. They are unpaid as of now, and the average number is about 10 per session. I'll be sorting through potential fellows' resumes, cover letters, and references and deciding whom to call in for an interview. Tomorrow I'll be conducting my first interview of a potential fellow (with Johanna).

Yesterday I had a meeting with the executive director, Mark. He told me what he'd like to see from me in terms of input. I'm going to have a good amount of flexibility in almost all aspects of my job. I've decided to take on the task of "greening" the office. It's fairly environmentally-friendly now, but there is lots of room for improvement. Since I'm in charge of ordering all office supplies, I'm only going to order 100% recycled and unbleached paper products. I'm also going to start a more organized recycling system (as of now, we don't recycle paper!). For the new office space, I'm going to try to make sure the new furniture is as "green" as possible, and will install several motion detecting light fixtures in bathrooms/hallways. I'm pumped.

I've come to realize that my vast wardrobe of jeans, shorts, flip flops, and t-shirts is now pretty obsolete. I have to dress up (business casual) to go to work. Since I'll be working year-round, my good old casual clothes will only be worn on the few vacations I'll have. I feel like I'm kind of leaving my childhood behind. But of course, that won't happen. I hope to always have my exuberance, curiosity, and blunt honesty that I attribute to my "childhood." I'll post soon about an incredible/horrible dream I had about my mom. I haven't posted in a while because I've been so tired - I don't get home until about 7pm, and have to leave at 7:30am. And I value my 8+ hours of sleep...

Today I practiced my commute. It involves a bus, the metro, and another bus. I could cut out the last bus if I happen to have time to walk a mile or so. The whole thing should take a little less than an hour. The buses here confuse me. I find that the stops aren't well-marked, and some of the buses don't have a way to tell you what stop you are at. Not very user-friendly, but it'll be a piece of cake once I get used to it. The metro is great. I'm looking forward to catching up on podcasts during my commute. It's like two hours of freetime for reading/listening everyday!

I explored Dupont Circle today, since that is the neighborhood Polaris Project is in. It's a great area full of shops and restaurants, wide avenues, and nice green spaces. I realized DC isn't as big as I thought after looking at maps all day. It is confusing to get around though...

I'm looking forward to starting work tomorrow. I start at 10 am tomorrow, but most days at 9. I'm not sure how late I'll work each day, but I've heard sometimes it's as late as 7 or 8 pm. Oh well. I might as well take advantage of my energy while I have it.

Here I am

I arrived in McLean, VA yesterday around lunchtime. The drive from Asheville takes about 7 hours. McLean is about 6 miles from DC. I have hit the ground running it seems. As soon as I got here, I found out that I was going out to lunch with the founder of Polaris Project and a few others from Polaris. I was kind of road weary, but off I went. After lunch and a random piano concert performed by some child prodigy at a Catholic church in Georgetown, we finally went back to McLean. I went to my room, feeling quite overwhelmed. I'm a little homesick already. I keep telling myself that home will always be there, and that I won't be away forever. My dad is also visiting in about two weeks. I fell asleep last night around 8. Ha.

I got up early this morning to find Gene and Sophia (the people with whom I'm living for the time being) already up and about to go on a walk. I joined them, and we walked four miles along the Potomac River and the Chesapeake and Ohio Canal. It was lovely - a cool morning and gorgeous scenery. I couldn't believe I was in a metropolis. It turns out that the walkway (toepath) was designed by Frederick Law Olmstead, the landscape architect who designed Central Park in NYC. It was great. Getting outside did wonders for my mood, and I'm feeling optimistic about my time here in DC!

Here is a link to some pictures of where I went walking this morning. And another.

Tomorrow I will do a dry run of getting to work via the bus and metro. I don't want to get lost on my first day!

I GOT IT!

The job at Polaris Project, that is! I finally got a call last night (I was getting anxious) from Mark Lagon, the executive director/ceo of Polaris Project and he offered me the job! He's kind of a big deal come to find out: http://www.polarisproject.org/content/view/108/

Former senior advisor to the secretary of state?? Good grief. He was one of the people who interviewed me three weeks ago. It's interesting to meet "normal" people and then find out that they're not so normal.

Mark discussed salary with me - I've never had to negotiate salary before. It sounded like they really shifted things around to be able to hire me, and as a result, the salary won't be as high as I'd initially hoped. However, it is still almost ten thousand more than PIRG was offering!

Mark then asked me when I could start, and I told him I've basically been ready to move anywhere for a few weeks now. I told him that I could start in a week at the earliest, and he jumped on that! I'll be starting Monday, July 13th. Crazy, I know. I'll be staying with good friends in the DC area for the time being, but I hope to be able to find an apartment so I can bring my cat, Simone de Beauvoir, with me.

I'm pretty astounded at my luck as of late. In this sorry economy (I hear it's looking up?) I get two job offers straight out of college? Maybe it's my mom messing with the stars!

Chundojae

It has been 49 days since my mother died. As I type, in Korea, my family is performing a Chundojae ceremony. It is a ritual that has roots in Buddhism, Taoism, and Confucianism, and is performed on the 49th day after death. I'm no expert on it, but from what one of my emos (mother's sisters) tells me, it is to pray for the well-being of my mother's soul. Death isn't seen as the end of life, but as the beginning of a the next stage of life; a rebirth into the spiritual realm. For 49 days after death, one's soul wanders between life and death, especially in the case of people who died unexpectedly or suddenly. There are 7 cycles of 7 days of judgment for the soul. After these 49 days, the soul may be reborn into another body.

I found this online: "Jae is a term used by Korean Buddhists to mean prayers for the dead. In line with their belief in transmigration of souls, they hold a special prayer service on the 49th day, counting from the day a person dies, for the deceased to be born again as a good human being."
Also: "Rye Jei-dong, a religious studies scholar, observed that although 49 jae comes from the Buddhist tradition, many Koreans do not know its exact meaning and offer a memorial service on the 49th day regardless of their religion. As Korea has been a Buddhist country for centuries, many Buddhist ceremonies have now become traditional culture, he maintains. "Even Christians, including Catholics, cannot easily avoid popular services in Korean culture."

One of my Korean aunts has been in close contact with me ever since my mom died, and every so often she sends me some little nuggets of Korean culture via email. An explanation of the Chundojae was one of them. She and the rest of my Korean family will hold a 2.5 hour ceremony for my mother's soul and pray that her soul finds peace in its future existence. Since I don't know much about Korean culture (something I'm trying to improve upon), my aunt suggested that my dad and I simply pray for my mom and think fond thoughts of her life while the Chundojae ceremony is going on in Korea at the Gongrimsa temple. This is a temple my mom and I visited when we went to Korea in December of 2008. It is in the mountains and is very beautiful. Here are some pictures of it from my visit last year:


During the specified time of Chundojae, I reflected on my mom's life. I know her life was mostly full of love and joy, and I have no unresolved tensions in my mind about her. I was thinking to myself that she made lots of mistakes in her life recently, but acknowledged and learned from them. She wasn't perfect, and I think her imperfections made her unique. I believe we're all in the same boat to put it bluntly. We are all here on this earth right now dealing with whatever personal struggles we have at any given moment. When we die, there is a sort of leveling of the playing field. Life is flawed. Mistakes are a given. In the end (which is not really the end), I think the most people can hope for is that they did the right thing at the right time with regard to their current life situation.
I've been doing some babysitting this summer for a lovely little girl named Lena. She has a book called "The Three Questions," and it is based on one of Leo Tolstoy's stories. In it, a boy wonders three things: What is the best time to do each thing? Who are the most important people to work with? What is the most important thing to do at all times? By the end of the book and after much searching, the boy learns that "there is only one important time - Now. The present is the only time over which we have power. The most important person is always the person with whom you are, who is right before you, for who knows if you will have dealings with any other person in the future. The most important pursuit is making that person, the one standing at your side, happy, for that alone is the pursuit of life." I like that. Of course it always seems much more complicated, but as I often tell people, two of the most important lessons I've learned in the last four years are to slow down and to keep my life and its events in perspective with the rest of the world. Yeah, easier said than done.

A few days ago I thought it would be nice if my mom were reborn as a cat. If you know me, then you know I have a very soft spot in my heart for cats. Then I could love and care for her and she would be with me. However, I am most looking forward to seeing her face and experiencing her presence and spirit in any children I might have. She was always so excited to meet her future grandchildren.

It's crazy that my mom is gone. I try not to dwell on the awful circumstances under which she died and I found out about her death. I'm looking forward, and my mom's right here.